Why We Need to Stop Saying, "Marriage is the Answer to Sexual Temptation"
You have probably read this title and are in the process of picking up figurative stones to hurl my way, but before you hurl your objections, please keep reading past my "hook" (it's an English teacher thing). I do not write this piece in order to negate or degrade marriage. Rather I wish to admonish and encourage the Church in how they have framed marriage as an answer to those who struggle with sexual temptation thus burdening the individual, creating unrealistic expectations, degrading the meaning of marriage, and, ultimately, diminishing the sufficiency of Christ.
I have had fellow Christians, out of a genuine desire to encourage and console, tell me that my struggle with sexual temptation will get easier when I get married. This very well may be true and it seemed encouraging when it was first said to me at eighteen. However, with each passing year of womanhood it has become more burdensome and less helpful. Okay, great. Let me just schedule my wedding for next week then. It was especially stinging when I was going through a particularly difficult time of sexual temptation and was given the same mantra, "It will get easier when you get married." Well, that is great. I am twenty-eight and very single, so what the frick am I supposed to do now?! This idea has its roots in Scripture. The Apostle Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 7:9, "But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." However, does burning with passion equate to sexual temptation? Many have argued, yes, it does. More specifically, though, does 1 Corinthians 7:9 say that sexual temptation will get easier when married? No. Paul teaches that individuals should get married if they have no self-control. Self-control means your ability to resist temptation, not that you will no longer be tempted as severely. Unfortunately, this verse has evolved into an anecdote commonly given in the Church that, rather than comforting with thoughts of reprieve and sexual ecstasy if/when someone gets married, feeds despair.
Not only does this concept burden followers of Jesus struggling with sexual temptation, it also erects unrealistic expectations for marriage itself. "Sexual temptation will get easier when one is married." Again, I am not denying that this may be true, but what happens when it isn't? Temptation and sin are a part of humanity. The Church has purported the above statement and then stands in shock when marriages are demolished due to pornography and infidelity. I am in no way excusing such sins, but I believe that such iniquities are encouraged by false and unrealistic expectations regarding sex in marriage. What if consummation of the marriage is impossible due to medical reasons? What happens when sexual intimacy is not possible due to a current living situation? Oh, but one is married so sexual temptation should be easier, right? Not necessarily because marriage is not about the individual's needs or fixing their sin problem. The whole purpose and design of marriage is to be a beacon of the Gospel--an analogy of Christ's love for the Church (His people). "Marriage shows us the shape of the gospel in that it models the covenant promises that God has made to us in Christ" (Sam Allberry). "Wives respect and submit to your husbands" requires that the wife trust her husband's desire to lead well and encourage him. "Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the Church" requires that the husband do what is best for the wife in his leadership and serve her in sacrificial love. Therefore, expecting marriage to ease one's struggle with sexual temptation is to displace Christ from the center and set one's focus upon self. So, if one chooses to use marriage for such purposes then they will be sorely disappointed and miss out on the greater implications of it.
Worst of all, telling individuals that their struggle with sexual temptation will get easier when married lessens the sufficiency of Christ. Is not God's grace sufficient, "for power is perfected in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9)? What has gotten me through ten years of sometimes severe sexual temptation is not the easing of it through marriage, but the daily act of surrendering myself to God and resting in His redemption. Like the Apostle Paul writes, "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it" (1 Corinthians 10:13). This verse is all about Jesus and what He has done and will do! Then consider that Paul does not write this to one particular relationship status; he writes it to the whole church in Corinth. God's grace is sufficient always to all believers. "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need" (Hebrews 4:15-16). Messiah sympathizes with us! Not only that, but He did not seek to be married. Well, Jesus is God and had His focus on what He came to do. Well, yes, He is God and He had a focus. He had His focus on His Father. This is why it is possible to say that "singleness shows us the sufficiency of the gospel because it shows us the reality of what marriage points to—which is our own relationship with Jesus" (Sam Allberry). Christ modeled the very relationship we are supposed to have with Him! Um...But God is not a sexual being so...Yes, but that is the ultimate wonder of God. He is able to fulfill us without sexual intimacy. He knows us so deeply that we are contented in His love alone.
As I first stated, I am in no way trying to degrade marriage. I am not suggesting that wanting to get married is wrong. Heck! I want to get married, if the Lord allows. But I want us as the Church to actively consider how we have framed marriage--an answer to sexual temptation. Such a notion is neither completely biblical nor encouraging. Rather, it distracts one from the ultimate answer to one's temptation and sin--Jesus Christ.
I have had fellow Christians, out of a genuine desire to encourage and console, tell me that my struggle with sexual temptation will get easier when I get married. This very well may be true and it seemed encouraging when it was first said to me at eighteen. However, with each passing year of womanhood it has become more burdensome and less helpful. Okay, great. Let me just schedule my wedding for next week then. It was especially stinging when I was going through a particularly difficult time of sexual temptation and was given the same mantra, "It will get easier when you get married." Well, that is great. I am twenty-eight and very single, so what the frick am I supposed to do now?! This idea has its roots in Scripture. The Apostle Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 7:9, "But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." However, does burning with passion equate to sexual temptation? Many have argued, yes, it does. More specifically, though, does 1 Corinthians 7:9 say that sexual temptation will get easier when married? No. Paul teaches that individuals should get married if they have no self-control. Self-control means your ability to resist temptation, not that you will no longer be tempted as severely. Unfortunately, this verse has evolved into an anecdote commonly given in the Church that, rather than comforting with thoughts of reprieve and sexual ecstasy if/when someone gets married, feeds despair.
Not only does this concept burden followers of Jesus struggling with sexual temptation, it also erects unrealistic expectations for marriage itself. "Sexual temptation will get easier when one is married." Again, I am not denying that this may be true, but what happens when it isn't? Temptation and sin are a part of humanity. The Church has purported the above statement and then stands in shock when marriages are demolished due to pornography and infidelity. I am in no way excusing such sins, but I believe that such iniquities are encouraged by false and unrealistic expectations regarding sex in marriage. What if consummation of the marriage is impossible due to medical reasons? What happens when sexual intimacy is not possible due to a current living situation? Oh, but one is married so sexual temptation should be easier, right? Not necessarily because marriage is not about the individual's needs or fixing their sin problem. The whole purpose and design of marriage is to be a beacon of the Gospel--an analogy of Christ's love for the Church (His people). "Marriage shows us the shape of the gospel in that it models the covenant promises that God has made to us in Christ" (Sam Allberry). "Wives respect and submit to your husbands" requires that the wife trust her husband's desire to lead well and encourage him. "Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the Church" requires that the husband do what is best for the wife in his leadership and serve her in sacrificial love. Therefore, expecting marriage to ease one's struggle with sexual temptation is to displace Christ from the center and set one's focus upon self. So, if one chooses to use marriage for such purposes then they will be sorely disappointed and miss out on the greater implications of it.
Worst of all, telling individuals that their struggle with sexual temptation will get easier when married lessens the sufficiency of Christ. Is not God's grace sufficient, "for power is perfected in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9)? What has gotten me through ten years of sometimes severe sexual temptation is not the easing of it through marriage, but the daily act of surrendering myself to God and resting in His redemption. Like the Apostle Paul writes, "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it" (1 Corinthians 10:13). This verse is all about Jesus and what He has done and will do! Then consider that Paul does not write this to one particular relationship status; he writes it to the whole church in Corinth. God's grace is sufficient always to all believers. "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need" (Hebrews 4:15-16). Messiah sympathizes with us! Not only that, but He did not seek to be married. Well, Jesus is God and had His focus on what He came to do. Well, yes, He is God and He had a focus. He had His focus on His Father. This is why it is possible to say that "singleness shows us the sufficiency of the gospel because it shows us the reality of what marriage points to—which is our own relationship with Jesus" (Sam Allberry). Christ modeled the very relationship we are supposed to have with Him! Um...But God is not a sexual being so...Yes, but that is the ultimate wonder of God. He is able to fulfill us without sexual intimacy. He knows us so deeply that we are contented in His love alone.
As I first stated, I am in no way trying to degrade marriage. I am not suggesting that wanting to get married is wrong. Heck! I want to get married, if the Lord allows. But I want us as the Church to actively consider how we have framed marriage--an answer to sexual temptation. Such a notion is neither completely biblical nor encouraging. Rather, it distracts one from the ultimate answer to one's temptation and sin--Jesus Christ.
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