Neither Married Nor Single

I am quite sure that I am about to sound like an unbroken record of another "disillusioned, bitter single," and, yes, I probably will. However, though I am adding my voice to the plethora of other voices on this subject, like so many other ideas from Scripture, it seems to be a subject needing to be repeated. The subject: the ludicrous and untrue perception that marriage is a commodity of the Christian life. 

Sometimes it seems that believers are incapable of accepting the complexities of God's Word regarding singleness, marriage, and even children. King Solomon was inspired by the Holy Spirit to write a very passionate manuscript about emotional and physical love within marriage--the Song of Songs. Over a millennia later, the Apostle Paul, again inspired by the Holy Spirit, writes to a very specific church about singleness being advantageous for ministry purposes but marriage being helpful for curbing sexual immorality. Therefore, like many complex teachings and philosophies within the Church, those regarding singleness and marriage seem to have been on a pendulum. Using the completion of the Holy Scripture as a starting point, the pendulum starts in the middle, promoting both singleness and marriage as equally viable, enjoyable options for the believer. By the 300s C.E. the pendulum is swinging hard to one side. Saint Augustine of Hippo teaches that marriage was only to be for the purposes of procreation, a somewhat extreme but understandable reaction to his life as a sex addict before becoming a follower of Jesus, thus emphasizing singleness as the best relational route. Move seven hundred years forward in history and the Church is at an impasse on the subject of marriage and singleness, being one of the many issues dividing the Catholic Church and the Eastern Orthodox Church. The pendulum starts to swing back to the center when Thomas Aquinas states marriage to be "the greatest of friendships" in the 1200s C.E., while still maintaining his clerical vows of celibacy to better serve the Lord. Then three hundred years later Martin Luther swings to the opposite side of the pendulum to strongly promote marriage instead of singleness as a backlash against the bureaucratic celibacy of the Catholic clergy at the time. And the pendulum has kept swinging. 

Where the pendulum is today can be debated and, I would argue, largely depends on your own social and church congregation context. However, the exact, current position of the "'best' relationship pendulum" really doesn't matter, because it is clear from God's word that the debate regarding singleness versus marriage is not to be a dividing discussion in the Church in the first place! Our very God and Savior Jesus, who walked in flesh among His creation, speaks actually very little on the subject of singleness and marriage, aside from that He is supposed to be first and foremost in both. So what do we do with this?

Well, I first believe that we as Christians should rethink how marriage and singleness are talked about. Having attended a private, Christian college, where by the way it was advertised in my freshman orientation that my university had a fifty-eight percent marriage rate (yes, I made the losing forty-two percent), marriage was upheld as an important, godly relationship. As it should be. Marriage is a beautiful construct of God that represents the intimacy and love that Christ has with His Church. But I, unfortunately, heard very little about how singleness was just as important and godly. This lack of balance in the relationship discussion in the Church has regrettably given rise to four uncomfortable and very unhelpful assumptions. 1). There is something wrong with you. Not going to lie, I have definitely thought this. As marriage has been held above my head as an ultimate pinnacle of fulfillment, I have been caused to question, "What am I doing wrong? Am I too independent and driven? Do I scare men away (my family jokes that I do because of my athleticism)?" 2). You have more growing to do as a person. Oh boy, yeah, I have definitely been given that mantra before. For biblical backing people often like to slide in Matthew 6:33, "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." First of all, let's just point out that this verse has nothing to do with the context of marriage! (I get a little up-in-arms when Scripture is taken out of context.) Yes, God should be foremost in your life and it is certainly unhealthy to enter a marriage immature and naïve. I do not debate that, but I would debunk that you are merely single because God deems that you have more growing to do. God is going to grow you no matter what your relationship status is. 3). A relationship will come when you least expect it. Yes and no. Yes, God has a funny way of allowing potential relationship interests to emerge right when you seem to be the most focused on pursuing Him and His plans for your life. Having had this happen to me four times I have a pretty good statistic sample to back this idea. However, as it is probably obvious, none of these ever reached relationship status for me. Like the previous assumptions mentioned, this one, too, creates unrealistic expectations for singles. "Well, if I just don't expect anything then something will happen." Yeah, no. God never promises anything of the sort and to think that our mentality will somehow foster something from God is ludicrous. And 4). Every other single of the opposite sex is an idiot. This is usually said by well-meaning friends or family who think you are the coolest person ever and want someone of the opposite sex to see that. Well, you are probably not the coolest person ever (let's save that for Jesus) and, who knows, you might be the idiot. 

All this talk of Church history, pendulums, assumptions, and Scripture, what am I trying to say? I would direct us back to Scripture. Let's consider the Apostles. We actually know very little about some of their personal lives, but it is clear from points in the Gospels and 1 Corinthians 9 that some of the Apostles were married. Likewise, some of the Apostles were single, most notably Paul. From this alone we can deduce that God does not hold one relationship status above another. Rather whether living in marriage or singleness each is a gift given by God out of His desire to give us good things. Wow! Either relationship status is God's precious gift and plan to help grow us to be like Him. This knowledge not only repositions the pendulum of relationships back to the center, but it also reframes the four assumptions about singleness. 1). There is nothing wrong with you. You are loved by the Creator of the world. 2). God is teaching you in whatever phase of life you're in to be more like Him. He has prepared and is preparing you for Himself. 3). God will do what He wills with your life and no amount of expecting or not expecting will change His will. 4). Tell your friends and family to stop being idiots. You're not the coolest person and God has you in His will.